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Aug 16, 2004
Maybe just Maybe....

Let’s Be Us Again~Lonestar just went off the radio and the weird thing is I didn’t cry. I mean normally I’d ball my eyes out but I didn’t. I just thought about how I’d been living one big fuckin lie for the last year and a half. I also realized that I have nothing else to lose.

Maybe... I mean Just maybe I'll be able to get over David this time.

Current Mood: surprised
Current Music: 97.5

Posted at 10:28 am by ButlerBabe06
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Jul 31, 2004
A LIE...

I reread dis email n I mean I guess he did lied 2 me...

It's somthing like this These arn't mine those it's almsot identiacal though caus ei was listein to this while writing it
7/14/2004 7:14:16 AM Eastern Daylight Time

Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You’ve given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you’ll see my heart is true

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

Current Mood: annoyed

Posted at 11:03 pm by ButlerBabe06
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I dunno...

   I went 2 J mall 2day n OMG I wanted 2 cry. I went in da back of Spencers where David n I had our 1st real kiss. While there I pictured how it was in my head...it felt almost real. I love him, n thats all there is 2 it. 

    I jus got done readin his journal, n it hurts like hell. I mean he said he was thinkin bout her while he was wit me. This makes me wonder if he imagined me as her when we made love, or he was jus fuckin me? I dunno anything anymore, sept dat I'm gonna move on. 4 REAL DIS TIME!

   It'll be hard as hell, but I'm gonna do it! I have 2 put his pics away b/c it hurts 2 look at em. This time tho I'm not gonna go back, I don't wanna be hurt again. I already hate my life as it is now. I mean yea I love him, n I've tryed 2 move on, n when eva I get close 2 actually buildin my life back I jus end up fallin again. I can't do it. I'm moving on, n I kno I'll always love him. I jus have 2 move on like he has!

   I mean he fuckin told me dat he was thinkin bout me when he was wit her, n now he says he was thinkin bout her why he was wit me. I mean wut da fuck! Does he really love me anymore, n if not he hasn't told me so dat means he's broke his promise 2 me. UGH! I'm so fuckin confused.

Current Mood: aggravated

Posted at 10:38 pm by ButlerBabe06
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Jul 29, 2004

Date: 7/4/2004 7:17:34 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: XLilWyte44X
To: PalaminoPrncess

Megan, im sorry for everything im sorry i got depressed earlier now im just beyond depressed but neway damn it's hard to write while im crying lol not really im gonna try though i love that one song brooks and dunn u know which one u were right it does fit us perfect but i really can't face the fact that i hurt u to much that's why i let u go but neway i stopped cryin yeah but neway i end up askin myself why did i let u go my mind don't know my heart does but i really can't express what it's sayin nemore expect for when it comes to you but recently i've been extremly depressed im not sure if it's because im not with you r im just feeling guilty for what i've done to you i really don't know i don't know much nemore but i do know one thing im still in love with you well there's alot i have to say to you but i can't get myself to say it because im not sure if i should say it i don't want to ever hurt u again and just like the song says how long must we go round and round on a carousel and not getting newhere they only thing that ends up doin is hurting u and it might not seem like it me oh u really think im happy THAT"S A HELL NO i haven't been happy since the last time i had u in my arms what seem me holding you u were holding me god dammit crying again did u know i really can't sleep nemore that's why im always sleeping during the day because i end up fallin asleep i have to much guilt on my mind i can't deal with it at all im not guilty for letting you go nvm scratch that yes i am i should never di that but i love you so i had to let u go this song is really getting on my nerves not really it's the only song that can help me figure out what im doin i really have no clue what im doin nemore i really wanna know why we could never make it nvm i know why because of me but neway enough of us

                                    so how are u and mike i hope good i really do i hope u can find a guy that it actually, god im jealous don't know why i just am it seems like i wouldn't be but i am tell u the truth im jealous of every guy that u talk to even mykul i really don't know why, lol i just got this pack like an hour ago and i have two left tells u how depressed i am god im being selfish im sittin here with a gurl and don't want u with a guy i don't know i guess why im going with someone im trying to forget what we/still had/have im not really sure if me makes more sense to walk away and forget are to pursue it but im gonna let this go at this e-mail me back oh k lol had to use spell check

                                               But, Megan when i say this I LOVE YOU i really do and i've tried so hard to forget it ain't workin it ain't gonna change i can tell u that now EVER i've tried so hard to make it work with you i haven't been able to do so i really wish we could try again but then i don't

 Yea David that on the 4th.
   Thursday the 21st my mom told me I could bring a friend 2 da lake n David went last time so I started thinking bout him. I knew he was going out wit her, but I asked him if he wanted 2 go 2 da lake wit us anyways, and told him I’d help him clean so he could go.
   He had 2 spend da night though…not like we were going to do anything, I mean we didn’t go out. He told her he was going to go n had 2 spend da night n she dumped him…she said it was cus she was worried (Hello u should trust da person u go wit or not go wit them!) 
   Well I got ready n rode da tarc ova there. It takes 2 fuckin hours. I got there n was like hi, as u can imagine it was a lil weird 4 me. He hugged me n den we cleaned sum. I was bending ova 2 pick sumthin up n he grabbed my ass. I was like hello~LoL. Then I turned around n he grabbed me huggin me then kissed my lips we started to kiss, then laid on his bed. He was rubbing me I started rubbing him, and then he asked me out. I said “wut about Jessica”, he was like “don’t worry bout her”. Then I told him “I love you”, he told me da same, den I said “Yes I will”. Then we made love. He also showed me his convo wit her where she dumped him. I told him “I’m sry!” He was like “it don’t matta, I’ve got you back n dats wut mattas”. We cleaned sum more, den Joe n Chris came ova n we hung out. Jessica imed him, he told her it was 2 late n started ignoring her ims, so den she called n he hung up on her. 
   Lata on dinner was ready so Joe n Chris went home, we ate den made love again. Erin walked in~LoL, she said “I’m jus getting my purse n stuff. I’ll be out in a min., don’t mind Me.” we finished. We came ova 2 my house n hung out, made love. We stayed up all night holdin each otha n he helped fix my computer 4 me.
   Den on Friday da 22nd we went 2 da lake, it was so fuckin boring, but it didn’t matta 2 me I was wit David, da love of me life.
   On Sunday da 24th I went 2 David’s house we hung out, made love n smoked a J. Den when it was almost time 4 me 2 leave I called mom n asked her if I could stay at Nicole’s house. I literally had 2 beg her. Chris posed as Nicole’s dad, n I stayed da night at my baby’s house. 
   On Monday da 25th I went wit my dad n I got back on Thursday da 27th. I called David, but there was no answer… he called back lata. We talked 4 a while den he dumped me, but then he said never mind I’d rather me b depressed than u n I can forget bout her. Den I had to go sumwhere n told him “I love you n I’ll call u when I get back”. He said” ok, n I love you 2”. 
   I called him when I got back. He answered n I said “Hey baby, I love you.” He told me “u do kno we don’t go out, right.” I was like “no” he was like” well we don’t”. I wanted 2 cry but I held it n until I got off da fone. 
   I wish I could say I didn’t care anymore but I do. I wish I could be more like him n jus move on. Even tho his lata above doesn’t sound like he was, but I guess he has now. Maybe he lied 2 me, but I don’t think he did. But either way…

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: We Still (Remix)

Posted at 10:37 pm by ButlerBabe06
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Jul 5, 2004

Well David, sry n I won't say ne thing bout Jessica, ur girl, ur baby.

The last 2 nights I've tt David n n we fell a sleep on da fone like old times. but that was old times n I dunno anymore. i actually did stuff those 2 days, unlike what i've been doin... eatin', sleepin', n sittin' in frount of my computer when I can't sleep.

I guess I'll jus wait untill Mike gets back from FL n see how things go. David I hope things workout 4 u!

Posted at 10:22 pm by ButlerBabe06
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I miss you so much!

Posted at 08:18 pm by ButlerBabe06
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Jul 3, 2004

I went over Mike’s yesterday and we hung out for an hour or so. He left for Florida not too long after I left. Before I left he asked me if I would wait for him. I didn’t answer. We don’t go out so why would I wait? I’m not waiting for anyone, except one person and they should know who they are and if they don’t that’s sad. LoL

Well mom’s B~Day is tomorrow, the 4th. We always go to this party and a bout a month ago I was going to ask David if he wanted to go, but now I’m sort of glad I didn’t. I mean we don’t go out and + he most likely has other plans.

             Mike is coming back in a week. He told me he’d try to call me while he’s down there. LoL, that’s sweet. He really likes me, but I don’t know if I like him. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice person and all; I just don’t know if I’m ready for a new relationship. Well I g2g finish my room. I’ll write more later.

Music: Always Be My Baby!

Posted at 12:13 pm by ButlerBabe06
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Jul 1, 2004
Benn a lil while...

Well I met dis guy named Mike  bout 4 days ago. He really likes me but I'm not sure if I like him. I mean he's sweet in all, but when I look at him from da side he looks a lil like David. When I saw this I almost started 2 cry right there. 2day is the 1st day in like 4 or 5 days I didn't get 2 see him. I dunno wut to do I don't think I want another realationship right now, b/c I'm still hurting from da last 1. In away I just want to forget about wut me n David had for 1year n 3 months. I know he's happy n I'm glad from him, I also know we most likely will never go back out n all of our once plans of being 2gether n always loving each other r gone.

Here's sumthin I wrote to David last night b4 I went to bed...I tryed not to show that I cared, but I do, and now you've fount someone new and I'm lost with out you! It hurt even worse more than ever when you called hey baby. You use to call me that. I'm sorry for what I said I just had a breakdonw, a realization that you have moved on. I'm scared your going to forget about me and what we had. The good and the bad, thick and thin I stood by your side, and you by mine. I will alwasy stand by your side.

But now that I think about what I wrote last night I feel so dumb. I'm finally going to move on! I know, no one thinks I will, but for now I am! I'm going to just get on with my life, and maybe David going with Jessica is better for me. Atleast I wont be hurt anymore, eventhough I kno he didn't mean to hurt me, but he did.

Posted at 06:17 pm by ButlerBabe06
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Jun 27, 2004
I don't know...

I don't think he love's me anymore. I wish I knew. He promised me if he ever did he'd tell me. He hasn't told me that, but I don't think he does.

I hate my fucking life sometimes, like now! I wish I could just move on and foreget about him like he has done me. I'm trying so hard,  but I can't! Why can't I just move on like it was nothing? (like he's done)

Posted at 05:00 pm by ButlerBabe06
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I called David a lil while ago. I asked wut u doin, he said nuttin. Then he asked who is dis, n i sayd if i told u, u'd hang up. Then he said bye n hung up on me. He jus IMed me n told me never to call him again. I jus said k, then he blocked my s/n. UGH! Y is he doin this, I mean y can't we jus b friends? I think he hates me now cus of Leann talkin bout Meggan da otha night, but i didn't have anything to do wit it. I was upstairs eatin, n I told her not to talk to him. UGH I HATE HER! when I fount out I yelled at her n slapped her as hard as I could.
~I'm not suppose to love him, I'm not suppose to care, I'm not suppose to live my life wishin he was here, I'm not suppose to wonder where he's or what he's doing, sorry I just couldn't help myself, I fell in love with him!

Posted at 04:59 pm by ButlerBabe06
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